Andy Andrews - Inspirational Corporate Speaker

To Err is Human ...

Monday, August 4, 2008

He was a CEO—a leader of thousands. I had seen him on television and read about him in magazines and newspapers. I had only met the man an hour before, but now, I watched as he laid his head on his desk and cried.

His stockholders had turned their backs, the corporation's Board of Directors were abandoning him, his wife was moving out ... The man was in a tragic mess of his own making.

"I just don't understand how this could have happened," he sobbed for what must have been the tenth time.

Contrary to his assessment of the situation, I knew exactly how it had happened. And I knew there weren't enough "I'm sorrys" in the world to make it right.

As I waited for him to regain control of his emotions, I thought about how many times I had watched this scene replay itself in the lives of so many others. Perhaps not in so dramatic a fashion, but the results were always the same. My mind wandered back to a question I had often pondered: How many people have squandered careers, forfeited a lifetime of leadership, suffered estrangement from their children, or lost a marriage—all because they didn't understand the difference in a mistake and a choice?

In the case of the CEO, it was a moral failure that had become public, quickly leading to the recognition of related financial discrepancies. Soon after the news broke, he held a press conference to announce that he was sorry. In fact, that is exactly what he said. "I am sorry," he stated, "for the mistakes I have made." Despite his apology, there was no reprieve, no mercy from his family, the courts, or the public, and things went from bad to worse.

If only he had known consciously what everyone else sensed subconsciously ... He had not made a mistake. He had made a choice. There is a huge difference!

Say you are walking in the woods, lose your way, and it gets dark. Unable to see, you trip and break your arm. That is a mistake.

But if your mother has always told you to stay out of the woods and you are wandering around in broad daylight, ignoring the "POSTED" signs, assuming no one will ever find out you were in the woods in the first place ... If you are then arrested for trespassing, it was no mistake. That, my friend, was a choice!

Interestingly, as parents, employees, spouses, and friends, we react predictably to a person who is attempting to clean up a mess of their own making. When someone truly makes a mistake and says "I'm sorry", our favor is generally granted. Its because we sense honesty and can usually apply a "there but for the grace of God, go I" sensibility to the situation. Oh well, we think, she picked blue instead of yellow ... he went right instead of left ... they planted turnips instead of radishes ... It was a mistake. We all make them. Hopefully, we learn from them, but bosses, mamas, husbands, coaches, and kids all make mistakes. And when we do, an "I'm sorry" usually covers it.

On the other hand, when a person makes a choice—say they steal something or have an affair—and then says, "I am sorry", it never has the desired effect. Even if they say it again and again. Have you ever seen a public figure or someone in a leadership position become frustrated and ask, "How many times do I have to say that I'm sorry?" The answer, unfortunately for them, is that a thousand times would not be enough.

When we hear a person who has made a choice say that they are sorry, we subconsciously reply: You aren't sorry. You are just sorry you got caught.

When a person experiences a failure of choice, only asking for and gaining forgiveness will rebalance the scales.

Men sometimes wonder why their wives often seem to bring the last argument into a current one. My gosh, we think, that happened a year ago! Why can't she just let it go? However, if we think back, we will most likely remember that the situation or argument "ended" with an apology ... an "I'm sorry". And if the argument was the result of a choice, the bad feelings never really ended with that apology. The hurt or anger was merely repressed and hidden, waiting to be prodded to life again at a later time.

It is also important to note here that hurtful words are spoken by choice. More relationships are torn apart by words than by any other means. But even during the worst times, true remorse and a sincere appeal for forgiveness can save the day.

Will you forgive me?

The request seems to some people a bit beneath them, as if they might lose leadership or respect in the eyes of someone else. Incredibly, just the opposite is true. An employer who asks an employee's forgiveness is granted more respect and loyalty than they had in the first place.

Will you forgive me?

A father who asks for a child's forgiveness not only models behavior the young person will need in future relationships, that father is cementing his relationship (not to mention a good self image) with that child.

To err is human. Sure, we all make mistakes and it seems that at one time or another, we all make bad choices. But knowing the distinction between the two (and how to respond to both) can make all the difference in the world!

Andy Andrews

Posted in General | Make a Comment (28) |

1. Fran Warner - August 4, 2008 @ 10:33 AM

"I have always told the people who work for me that if you don't make some mistakes along the way, then it just proves you were not reallly working. As far as life goes, the only way you can avoid mistakes is to stop breathing.

Thanks for the email today. The timing was really good."

2. Max - August 4, 2008 @ 10:37 AM

"Andy I agree with you wholeheartedly, and mostly from the perspective of one who has made more bad choices in my life than I wish I did not have to admit. I have come to the additional thought that one can learn and move forward if and only if I recognize my failure and admit to it, apologize sincerely (and I do mean a truly sincere apology) to those affected by my poor choice, and then set to make amends to those affected by my poor choice. Without these 3 things, I believe I am likley to repeat the failure, or be required to live with the unresolved issues. I suspect the same is true for others if we are honest with ourselves."

3. Smudge Pot - August 4, 2008 @ 10:39 AM

"Andy, you have pinpointed the cause of most of today's personal and financial disasters: the difference between a mistake and a choice. Asking a potential partner the definition of those two words might be a good first step. Until we agree on their meanings and try our darndest to live open, upright, honest lives, broken marriages and broken business relationships will continue to pit our lives like acid."

4. Lynette Chartier - August 4, 2008 @ 10:54 AM

"Andy - I have come to learn that the Universe will continue to offer us opportunities to make the same mistakes until we learn the lesson at a deep level. Then we can let go of the actual physical experiencing of that lesson and move on to another one - as there is always something to learn if we are truly living....
Lynette http://www.thepowerisinyourhands.com"

5. KayDee - August 4, 2008 @ 11:00 AM

"Thanks Andy, I have always known there was a difference but I've never heard it explained so well. We need to be thankful to our heavenly father that he's the only one who can give the untimate forgiveness. That way we are able use the example and pass it on to others."

6. Heather - August 4, 2008 @ 11:13 AM

"Thank you for another wonderful " tid-bit ". I hope you publish all of these topics in a book. I love sharing this blog with my family. I can't wait for the next one!!"

7. Don Macfarlane - August 4, 2008 @ 11:20 AM

"Thanks Andy, Wonderful words that echo Biblical principles. If we could honestly forgive one another we would be better people. Not to forgive fils us with bitterness and leads to self destruction. Thanks again. Read Matt 18: 23-34 (Bible) to confirm what you say."

8. Heman Smith - August 4, 2008 @ 11:54 AM

"Interestingly, in church yesterday, our discussion started on the God-given ability to choose, moral agency, and accountability. As you so effectively point out, we, as children of God, have the ability to choose - which gives us the ability to become. No other of our Father's creations can do that... only us. So choice is, I believe, the foundational principle and gift, that allows us to become what we truly can be, and to make the world what it can be. Sadly, much of our society does not see the accompanying accountability as a blessing, but as a curse.

Thanks for a well articulated insight."

9. Richard Garcia - August 4, 2008 @ 12:05 PM

"Yes! Yes! Yes! We make choices and then have to live by them. Nothing but, absolutely nothing happens to us that we ourselves didn't first created it in our minds then acted on them. As a Silva Method Instructor I get far to many individuals that would rather look outwards to place blame on others or events that led them to the the conditions they now find themselves in now.

Rich"

10. dduncan - August 4, 2008 @ 12:11 PM

"Andy, thanks again for such sound and Biblical guidance through your blog. Apart from God's forgivness through Jesus Christ, and our forgiveness of each other, there is no hope for what afflicts our society. Keep up the good WORD."

11. Bruce Tredinnick - August 4, 2008 @ 12:17 PM

"Right on Andy. Seeking forgiveness is best when it includes an amends. I don't mean the "I'll never do it again" trap, but an action. For instance, if one steals money, repay it, perhaps with interest. It's best to ask the person "How can I make amends"? Unless it's something ridiculous, your amends will have much more meaning if the other person(s)have input. And do it promptly!"

12. Dave Paul - August 4, 2008 @ 12:35 PM

"Andy,
A worthwhile conversation indeed. If we truly remain mindful of the distiction between mistakes and choices, maybe then, we can be driven to develop the habit of living a life of healthy choices (and minimizing the number of mistakes). I realize this is idealistic thinking, but I'd risk to strive for it, as I'm sure most reasonable people would.
In listening to John Maxwell's tape on "Failing Forward" recently, he cites the the difference between "average people and achieving people", as their
"perception and response to failure".
When we hold integrity as a foundational value, our perception of, and appropriate response to, a mistake, can make all the difference in taking our lives to the next level...
If we respond to our mistakes effectively maybe our choices become more productive, effective, and positive. Thanks for getting me thinking about this subject...I hope to handle future mistakes gracefully and properly (my kids ages 5 and 10 are watching...don't you know)."

13. Kif Anderson - August 4, 2008 @ 1:38 PM

"As always your inspirational messages are a blessing. Being sinful by nature, we often choose things that in hindsight we regret. However when it happens are we just sad we got caught, or are we truly repentent...and turn from our sinful ways? The latter leads to change...the former does not and only seems to dig our holes deeper. Thanks for the reminder."

14. jan burch - August 4, 2008 @ 2:58 PM

"Andy,
Each blog shows more insight and wisdom than the one before it. I too can't wait for the next one."

15. Sue - August 4, 2008 @ 7:46 PM

"I often tell others that 'I'm sorry' places another burden on the hearer--it's nothing more than an announcement of how one feels. It does not put one at risk. And so what? 'You're sorry. Thank you for sharing.'

On the other hand, 'Will you forgive me?' is a risky request. It places the requestor in a position of peril, because the answer may be 'No.' It humbles the requestor, putting him/her in full possession of the wrongdoing, and asks the hearer to make a decision to forgive, which is entirely different than excusing. 'I'm sorry' often carries the expectation of a 'Oh, that's okay' response, and that's not forgiveness.

This is a principle many (if not all) business people find antithetical to the corporate world, but it has enormous consequences if it is embraced. Excellent post."

16. Frances Kranik - August 4, 2008 @ 8:20 PM

"Andy,
Having just read two of your books just this summer - I hear the same message of forgiveness echoed that was so well illustrated in The Island of Saints.But then to go on and illustrate the difference between mistake and choice - yes, you are right - we are all willing to forgive mistakes - but poor choices - they seem to hurt and we aren't as willing to forgive them.
This will be an excellent lesson sometime during the coming school year during a social skills class. Thanks.
Frances
PS -
Thanks for mentioning Wolf Bay Lodge in Island of Saints. We were just down in Gulf Shores two weeks ago and made a point of finding it. That was the best dinner I had during our brief beach vacation."

17. Patricia Nash - August 4, 2008 @ 10:28 PM

"God forgives us when we break a law, but we are obligated to pay the consequences for our actions.
It's always a bitter pill to swallow. My life ended in tragedy but God had a plan B (or so it seems like Z) becasue I blew A.
Just bite the bullet and learn from your mistakes, CEO. It took me years to get our daughters' trust in me and integrity of me back.
***
Somtimes, when it comes to crime--especially onerous child molestation,you pay the crime and do the time and it's good for society. Will God fogive you, yes! (If you ask.) God will forgive you but you'll have a prison ministry.
God will forgive your adultery but you might have a divorce recovery or sex addicts ministry.

Soemtimes God wants you to get caught.
"TO ERR--IS HUMAN, TO PROSECUTE-- DIVINE!"
Patricia Nash
Arlington, TX"

18. Chuck Blouse - August 5, 2008 @ 8:46 AM

"Well said Andy, I'm sorry only admits that you made a mistake but too many times it is said because you were "found out" and sorry someone or everyone now knows of your "mistake" that was preceeded by a "choice" that became a moral or ethical issue due to its repetitive action. "Once" is a chosen mistake, repetiton is solely by choice alone. Please forgive me is recognition and admittance and the beginning of healing for all."

19. Terry Lempriere - August 5, 2008 @ 10:27 AM

"I realy enjoy, look forward to these blogs. This message about "forgivness" as apossed to "i'm sorry" is indeed very timely for me. I often print these blogs and disturbute them into are office/lunch room.Keep up the excellent work Andy."

20. Kelly Krei - August 5, 2008 @ 11:36 AM

"Andy,

Your topic is both fitting and timely; just last night my sons were getting ready for bed and one of them still needed to pick up his room. When he was finished picking up, he came and got me to show off his accomplishment with great pride. As I was tucking him in I stubbed my toe on something beneath his bed, upon looking at my foot, I noticed that he had very cleverly shoved everything that was minutes before in open site to underneath his bed. As I scolded him, his joy vanished as I told him that when he got up in the morning, he would pick up his room properly.

This morning as I was getting ready for the day, I heard my son in his room, it was 6AM and he was cleaning his room. As I entered the room, he was once again proud of his accomplishment for cleaning up his room, and this time, he had done it properly. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "I'm sorry" and I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Please forgive me for putting you to bed with a sad heart". And he replied, "it's okay daddy, I love you".

Thanks Andy, for the reminder on the difference between mistakes and choices."

21. Bill stewart - August 5, 2008 @ 8:36 PM

"You have written a "CLASSIC". I think most people have never really thought through the difference between a "mistake" and a "choice". there is a differnce and you have said it better than anyone.

To understand this truth and to deal with each situation based on whether it is a mistake or a choice can salavage a lot of relationships.

Thanks for a great insightful message!"

22. Renee Badertscher - August 5, 2008 @ 11:03 PM

"As a therapist for several years (and a therapy patient for a few, too), I heard similar stories. One of the big lessons many of us need to learn is to take responsibility for our actions and make different choices. I wish I had had your story to share with clients when I was in my consulting room. It makes the difference so clear between true change of behavior and trying to weasel out of something we, ourselves, are ultimately responsible for that we wish we weren't! You've cleared it up quite nicely, thank you. What many people also don't realize is the sense of power and self control that comes from taking responsibility for our actions instead of trying to avoid it. A powerful lesson and one worth learning, if painful."

23. Jeremie Kubicek - August 6, 2008 @ 10:20 AM

"Andy: I love the way you bring practical principles insights into everyday examples. Forgiveness is amazing. I just read Island of Saints and have plugged it on my blog www.giantperspectives.com

Kelly and I really enjoyed our time with you at YPO as well. Thanks for pouring into our group!"

24. Réal Andrews - August 12, 2008 @ 8:04 AM

"Hey Andy, we just met at the Advocare Success school . Thank you for taking the time it has truly been a butter fly effect in my life . You shared how you put your kids to bed , that so touched me and at the same time made me feel like I really have some work to be as a father . I came up to you after to get your autograph and buy one of everything you had by the way . Smile . One of my best purchases to date . anyway I asked you where do I start as I broke into tears , how do I make up for the past 6 years of not putting my kids to bed . You looked at me with that big smile and said just start , just start . Well I immediatly called my sons and said daddy has a new game for us to play when we get home . They were so excited I couldn't believe it . Was it that easy . When I got home they hadn't forgot all day ,aare we gonna play the game daddy, when do we play . Long story short I put them to bed I checked thier heart we couted how many things they could be greatful for and they went to sleep . Alone, no Tv with smiles on thier face . My six year old just came up to me and said "Dad you know I slept real well last night after you checked my heart and we played the game . Yep I slept real Well.

Thank You for been a Difference maker"

25. Jamie Davis - August 14, 2008 @ 7:55 PM

"It's been about four years since I first caught you on PBS.

I remember my wife coming home and finding me at our kitchen table weeping like a little sissy. (She ordered your stuff and gave it to me as a gift that Christmas). I listened to you over and over again - read the books... and to this day I work hard at maintaining the 7 principles.

I am a 50 year old man from humble beginnings - a preacher's kid. Grew up on the offering of a small congregation in a 60 member church that supported our family. My dad didn't mind scraping by, I admire him for it now - but at the time being broke bugged me. I remember once going for ice cream cones at a "fancy" ice cream place with the family and my dad not having enough money to pay for it (he didn't expect the cones to be as much as they were) - so he apologized to the lady and handed his cone back. That bugged me a lot.

I swore that someday I would make a million dollars - it was a benchmark for me, and it became a goofy goal.

Four years ago when I saw you for the first time, I was broke and bled dry. I had extended our finances investing in the development of an invention that I was fortunate enough to patent. The design engineers had come across a glitch that we just could not get a handle on. We were going in circles - hundreds and hundreds of hours with no success...and now we were out of money. I was ready to give up... and I was on my way out the door to tell the engineers that our project would have to wait until I found a way to generate some revenue... my politically correct way of saying "we were broke."

I was literally putting my shoes on to leave with the message when I heard you on TV, "wait till you hear number three"... that changed everything. "What you need is an idea..."

Last month was our year end and I had a funny feeling that I was finally close to that magic million number. The way business and everything was going I knew the number was in sight and I didn't want to miss the actual date that I had been waiting for all my life. The date when I could actually say - I'm a millionaire!. I know it sounds shallow and cheesy right?

I called the accountant, get this, it turns out that I missed the "million dollar anniversary" by about a year, and this month we will actually pass the two million dollar bench-mark. To celebrate I went out and bought myself an ice cream cone.

I've been having so much fun that I lost track! I guess I have been focusing on more important things than the doe.

You've been on my mind the whole time. You are a friend of mine - an important board member. Thank you for you wisdom.

Thankfully,
JD"

26. Alisha Alligood (Neese) - August 21, 2008 @ 3:43 PM

"Andy,

Thank you for all of your wise words! Life is a choice and it is what we make it! I choose to be happy!! I also choose to make better choices.

Thanks for your friendship,

Alisha"

27. Andy Andrews - August 27, 2008 @ 5:38 PM

"JD!

Wow! What a story! Thanks so much for taking the time to share it with everyone. Thanks also for persisting!

Yours,

Andy"

28. Wanda Butler - August 31, 2008 @ 1:43 PM

"Andy,
I met you in Myrtle Beach @ GaitherFest. It was such a pleasure to hear someone share in their big living room formate with laughter some common sense advice. I would like to say that I work with clients with mental health issues. I share some of the 7 decisions information with them in which we talk about choices and mistakes and the difference. Your blog about the difference has made it simplier for me to convey to them a visual way to help them heal in their own way.

Thanks so much! PS- Lynn Cale is my best friend. We just looke at your dvd the 7 decisions."