Boundaries

"I taught my children the boundaries that God has placed for their good...biblical teachings and living upright. I believe the difficulties in any country today is because they have left the first principles God had set in place. Love God, Love others, take care of yourself and be happy."

"I totally agree, I have had tough things happen in my life because I didnt live by the boundries that God set for me. I stepped past those boundries and paid a huge price, lost my family, almost lost my job, lost my credability as a man, a husband, and a father. Thank God for his grace! My Kids and I have a good relationship and I have met someone special."

"The most effective boundary I try to adhere to is to be a person of my word. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it to the best of my ability. "Follow-through" is my mantra.

In answer to the second question, one well-known disaster that could have been avoided was the Challenger accident in 1986. Had those working on the shuttle, knowing there was a problem with the O-ring, slowed down and fixed the problem, the disaster would have been avoided."

"I taught my children as I was taught the boundary of respecting others and their space. For me it was one of the simplier boundaries I learned yet profound because it's in direct correlation with do unto others as you would wish others do unto you. Growing up we were taught to respect our elders and that's a boundary I see less and less in this generation which has caused many a disaster for them. With the lack of knowing when and what to say or who or who not to say it is a disaster without measure given the culture today."

"I am a recovering alcoholic-and when I was "becoming" sober, I had so many "boundaries." Places I couldn't go, people I couldn't see, jobs I couldn't take. It seemed as if my world was the size of a postage stamp. I haven't changed a thing about those boundaries, I still keep them and my world is HUGE! I travel, I write, I work, I have a husband who loves me for being me. And I am happy with the person I am, with all those "boundaries"."

"I have taught my children boundaries by obeying laws. My children have seen me pay for something on the next trip to the store that I didn't see under the baby seat the first trip. Bring children up in God's word is very important to the valve of boundaries. Without boundaries how would we know what not to do or why. I can't imagine life with NO boundaries.
God Bless"

"The most effective boundaries I have observed and teach my son and boys from 11 to 18 are found in the Boy Scouts of America. BSA has something that all the government welfare programs in America can't match: Success. In addition to family and religion, Scouting has the best programs for building character, citizenship and fitness in boys for over a century."

"I try to live by Biblical boundries because I believe that God placed these boundries to keep his creation safe. I hope that my children and grandchildren see me live within these boundries and choose to do the same.When face with choices it's best to see what lines up with God's word."

"To look only for the best, expect only the best and
believe only the best, in yourself and others. People usually live up to our expectations. Encourage and make a difference in someones
life everyday, it will continually extend your tent
stakes or your fenced playground."

"I heard years ago of a study done in Europe with school children. Their school yard had a fence and they played safely throughout the full yard. But when their fence was removed, they moved closer to the school building because they were unsure of how far they could go without a set boundary. When the fence was replaced, they returned to full use of the yard. With a good boundary set, we can reach our full potential. Without it, we often face insecurity and never try. It was a good lesson."

"To respect what is yours (life and possessions within your daily life)ie your home, your toys, your books, your family, what is *within* your boundaries. Also to respect others boundaries and what is theirs. To know what is right and wrong and behave accordingly within those boundaries."

"I would agree with the previous comments. I have encouraged my family and friends to have boundaries. It helps to know that a person has them. God sets boundaries but people need to set what additional boundaries they need. I have to be willing to speak up and tell someone they have over stepped a boundary. If I am not willing to speak and take care of myself that is not good for me or them. In regards to the second question the sad thing to see is all the young teen pregnancies. That is a very large boundary "disaster""

"When I was a kid, my mother told us that there's nothing to do after 9 PM but get in trouble. To this day, even though so many stores are open all night, I don't go to the store if I can't be home by 9 PM.

As a former criminal defense attorney, I could give you example after example of people who could have avoided "disaster" if they had only heeded their boundaries, but that would be breaking confidences. But I could point to exactly where the individual made his/her critical mistake that landed them in trouble with the law (and their family and friends)."

"As parents, my husband and I expect the best from our kids. From high school into college, we expected good grades. Our oldest, attended college out of state and once they are over 18, parents only see what their kids want them to see. Our son did well in some classes and poorly in others. After the first year, he shared that his grade point was not what it should be. My husband wanted to pull him out and have him enroll in community college at home for two years to get him back on track, but I wanted him to remain where he was. After 4 years, our son graduated with a 2.89 grade point and a BS in biology. Needless to say, he has been struggling to find work, increase his grade point and get into nursing school. It was a disaster that could have been avoided by setting boundries and consequences before he went off to college. Luckily, our second child, set her own boundaries in college and has done very well. Our son is on the right track now."

"Boundaries are a gift from God, like the fence around a pool for children to young to swim or a ring fence around a chemical contaminated pool boundaries are safe zones put into place for our protection. God gave us freedom to choose life with boundaries like the Narrow Road (rules for living) and He gave us the ability to live life without boundaries, it's our choice. Beware of that last choice, it can be painful.
I have seen the fruit of both, and I chose God's loving boundaries for my life and that is what I teach my son.
As far as "what disaster could have been prevented by the use of boundaries" I cite the removal of prayer in schools and the subsequent demise of our education system. Allowing Prayer to our creator in school was recognizing His authority over us and teaching our children to respect authority. The disaster of taking out prayer in our schools has resulted in a total lack of respect for authority and the demise of our civilization in the name of "no religious boundaries or authority will be recognized in schools" How's that working out for you? When I was in school, there were no school shootings or gang's running wild. It can all be traced back to taking prayer out of our schools when our society lost it's boundaries we embarked on a slippery slope. However, there is always hope, it starts with a prayer."

"One main rule that covered all the rest . Do no harm to others. My boys turned out to be wonderful men.

For myself, it doesn't matter if others are faithful. It only matters that am."

"I'm not a parent, but the boundaries my mother taught me were biblical. She taught me what the Bible said was right and wrong. I'm not perfect & still mess up from time to time like everybody, but I know the Lord forgives me. The Lord sets up boundaries for our protection. I remember as a child being at a park in our town. Another little boy was crossing the street because another kid either as a joke or just to be mean threw one of the boy's shoes across it. The boy did not look before he crossed and was hit by a car and killed. I saw the whole thing. There isma fence there now with a plaque in the boy's memory. It was a hard way to have to learn that boundaries are a good thing. Boundaries are great for our protection."

"I have a real estate practice in Virginia. My team and I have helped over 2,000 folks sell or buy property over 21 years.

Every buyer and every seller has an initial interview with us, a time when we say, "Let me tell you how we work".

We then lay out our guidelines: all showings for buyers will be by appointment. Appointments must be scheduled at least 24 hours in advance. We don't work nights or weekends.

Folks respect our guidelines. Colleagues in our business are often shocked when they find out we don't work nights or weekends, and my team of 5 support staff has made me the #1, top-selling agent in my market.

Great customers appreciate healthy guidelines, whereas the time-wasters and tire-kickers go away when they find out how we work."

"The greatest boundary.....................

W W J D

That will really keep you on track."

"Andy,
When we were raising our children we worked with three rules (boundaries):
1. Always tell the truth, never lie. (This includes telling the WHOLE truth and not withholding parts that may not be pleasant.).
2. Ask permission. (If in doubt, ask. Most people know what is right and we wanted them to know that if they were EVER in doubt to ASK).
3. Do as you are asked or told AS you are asked or told WHEN you are asked or told. (In other words, if a parent or other adult in authority tells or asks you to do something, do it and do it the way you are told). This was not to kill creativity but to give the boundaries that are needed for growth.

An example that my grandmother always used to bring this home was from her childhood. She was visiting an aunt in a small town in the early part of the 1900's when the streets were still DIRT. After a visit, she was standing in the street in front of the gate to the house conversing with her aunt when her aunt, in a stern voice said "Othelia, step inside the gate now!". My grandmother said she did so without question and saved her life. There was a large BULL running down the street and it pass exactly where she had been standing only seconds after she moved. If she had questioned why, she would not have moved quickly enough.

In an example of a boundary that was not observed that created a catastrophe. While in college, there was a bridge near the small college that had a very large sign on it that stated clearly, "NO large trucks and no more than one vehicle at a time." One night, a group of guys, thought to test this and drove three pickup trucks on the bridge to "test" the sign. At first it seemed OK and then, the entire structure failed. While no one died, there were minor injuries BUT three trucks were totaled and the bridge was destroyed. This caused a hardship on a number of lower income families as they had to drive 20+ miles to another bridge...

Boundaries are there for a reason!"

"The one thing I am consistent on with my children is to always be mindful and respectful of adults and authority figures around us in our everyday lives. If we choose to respect those people, in turn more of those good people will also respect my children.
My childhood was not followed closely and I was allowed to run wild with no rules, no curfew, etc., and paying for those lack of boundaries/responsibilities were hard lessons late in life which I intend not to impose upon my children."

"1. The most important boundaries I taught my children and observe myself are Biblical boundaries.
2. Every self-inflicted disaster could be avoided by observing Biblical boundaries."

"I've always taught my kids that they can do whatever I do. I don't swear, drink, smoke, etc. And I don't expect my kids to do that either. If they want to a grownup, they can behave like an adult and there are plenty of us out there that don't swear, drink, smoke, etc."

"Andy after thinking about your questions my thought process went to the boundaries I had to operate in in 2005 after hurricane Katrina when women and children, the handicap, elderly and disable depended on me to get them back home. I stayed in my boundaries by helping these 600 families get back home. It was the servant biblical principal that I strongly focus on servant."

"I think my primary boundary centers on two areas; compassion and living in the moment. I try to always remain present to myself and others and I try to experience myself and other sentient beings from a compassionate state.

Even at my middle age (64), I am sensitive to my father's early death and how it could have been delayed by the application of health related boundaries."

"There is nothing like the boundaries, which include protection and blessings, that are given to us in God's Word. Not that I have always stayed within His boundaries, but it was much happier and safer when I did. Too many examples to mention!!"

"I am often challenged by boundaries. As a school counselor, mother and wife I find that I MUST create and protect boundaries that guard me from myself. I am prone to ignoring my needs so that I can meet the needs of others. This is as destructive as not establishing safety boundaries for my children."

"I have learned a lot about boundaries and how important they are to have for people in your life. I was taught to be a people pleaser and keep the peace. Because of such an ill thinking way of life my husband commit a aweful crime against teenagers. I learned quickly about boundaries and what I needed to keep them for safety reasons."

"My biggest boundary is the street where on lies the Krispy Kreme donut shop... I avoid it fiercely. Unfortunately they are sold in our local super markets and I must avert my eyes from seeing them... that is hard since they are right inside the door, seriously! I am not fat, but don't want to be either. We don't need the junk food, the sugar, the caffeine. I know and try to do what I know. Someone famous said, "If you do not do what you know, you may as well not know" or something like that."

"1. The most effective boundary I observe and have taught my children, is to be honorable. This covers a lot of areas. Mean what you say, and say what you mean. Follow through with what you say you will do, so be careful before you say anything that would be deemed a commitment! Above all, bring Honor to God. Ultimately this covers all areas. I cannot dishonor another human, and bring honor to God. Therefore, I seek His cousel often!

2. The toughest example of a “disaster” that could have been avoided would have to be when my husband was murdered in Orange Beach, AL. Although it was not his fault, he should not have tried to take the law into his own hands. He should have let police do their job.
There is so much about life that is not fair, but I have seen through much experience that there is a cause and effect for everything. Ultimately, I have learned that I need to stay within God's boundaries, that are spelled out in His Word. His boundaries are like the staff that a shepherd uses for His sheep. It may not always feel good, but I know His ways are best. I have more peace if I seek His hand and face, and not rely on my own human impulses. Thank God, His grace is sufficient!"

"Laws are there to protect us. If we don't obey for example, stopping at a street signal or sign, we or someone else can get hurt or worse, we can die."

"this is an interesting topic for me considering i am in a 12 step study and have recently started realizing i don't know how to set bounderies as I lived my entire life setting up my own bounderies. isuufer from bipolar disorder and i ve always lived as long"as i am not hurting others then it was ok"bringing much devastation to my and inevitably to those closest to me.Now it seems as though I ve passed that wrong mindset down two my chldren (13 and 17) this is the next step in my recovery i will be studying"

"1) Since I was raised without knowing what the bible says about boundaries, I would say that biblical boundaries are the most important thing to teach my son. 2) The regretable choices I made prior to becoming a Christian and receiving good teaching about boundaries have taken their toll. I have been forgiven and restored, but will not forget the lessons. I would rather have avoided them altogether though."

"Andy

1.) I was raised and in turn tried to raise my children to be a person of honor and integrity.

Honor is simply a respect for yourself and others and my be best expressed as, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you," the Golden Rule.

Integrity is speaking the truth and then walking your talk.

2.) Unfortunately, those we have elected to serve us are all too often those who do not possess these values. This is increasingly a reflection of whom we have become. If I were still raising young children, our political leaders would provide me daily examples of what I would want my children not to be."

"1.What are the most effective boundaries you observe for yourself or teach to your children?

My answer: I don´t have any children, but I do have myself:).

I think boundaries is very necessary. One of the best rules for finance, that Dave Ramsey brings up often is: don´t have the money? You can´t afford it. So simple and a clear boundary. So few follow it and as a result they either life in financial misery for the rest of their lifes, kill others in an attempt to solve it or even commit suicide. Sad, but true. Boundaries in ypur financial life would have prevented all this unncessary misery.

I follow a strict eating routine and exercise regimen as well. I exercise everyday (well 6 days a week to be honest) and I have this rule: if you do your situps, pushups etc, then you can have your healthy food:). I am so used to it, so it´s normal for me.

The same goes with what I eat and drink. I only drink water, milk and green tea. Nothing else. I avoid junk food like the plague. I would rather eat fruit, real meat, potatoes, vegetables, bread etc. I avoid candy, ice cream and all kinds of cakes and cookies.

I kid you not.

2.Can you think of an example of a “disaster” that could have been avoided if someone had only observed a boundary?

Well take the "buy things on credit" theme. That is a perfect examples of boundaries being eradicated entirely. The disaster brought by buying things on credit and then not being able to pay it of, is probably the biggest "disaster" known to man. Just look at the global economy at the moment. Everything goes up in smoke because everyone (not everyone, but you follow my drift) wanted everything now even though they couldn´t afford to have it right now.

Boundaries are necessary and I would encourage everyone to create their own rules, as long as those rules do not hurt anyone else or yourselfs. Boundaries are there to protect ourselfs from ourselfs and from others follies.

Play with rules that promote "abstinence" or "downgrading". The best thing about rules/boundaries that makes it harder to do something, is that it makes us much smarter. You need to think in order to break the boundaries. And if there is something that people, worldwide, need to develop then it is "thinking capability". Thinking before doing."

"the best "boundary" is consideration for others. Not at the expense of your own safety but understanding others."

"I've discovered the best rule/boundary for me is the Golden Rule. When I accept others as they are and treat them with kindness and respect as I'd want to be treated, they are more likely to respond to me in like manner.

I think the biggest disaster our generation is suffering from not observing boundaries is the moral decline of our nation. Without Godly morals we need bigger and stronger institutions to control "criminals", and organizations to provide for those who often choose to not work. By the way, those who really do need assistance during a difficult time are often denied the help unless they are leading immoral lives. We see innocent babies aborted due to lack of morals."

"I learned that you are responsible "to" people not "for" people, the hard way. I had family members that could not make it on their own financially and medically and I felt it my duty to help them. Yes, they are my family and yes I should do what I can, but not over and over again, neglecting what my own husband has to say about it and all. You should always help your family, but not to the point of where they now rely on you for their life when they could be out doing for themselves. A big heart is a blessing, but it is easily broken when too much of it is given away for the wrong reasons. "Guard your heart..." for sure."

"When my kids were young, we established boundaries regarding certain behaviors and vocabulary that were unacceptable. Just recently one of our daughters commented on how helpful that was to helping her make decisions when out on her own. One of our sons-in-law sent our oldest grand-daughter to spend time with us during the summer so we could instill in her the values we had instilled in our daughters. Much of this was due to the boundaries we set."

"My personal thought that I try to keep in front of me helps set my boundaries for life. "One of the greatest tragedies in life would be to come to the end of it and to be one of those who did nothing". It also helps set my boundaries is to remember to "just be what you know you're supposed to be and don't worry about what anybody else does"."

"boundries - Jesus and the Bible. It's all there."

"If what we are engaged in does not glorify God then we better change what we are doing wrong and change the path we are on. Sin takes us farther than we want to go, keeps us longer than we want to stay, and costs us more than we want to pay !"

"there are many incredible stories in the Bible about boundaries... King David's story inspires me... an incredible leader who made many mistakes... and learned boundaries from them too! Be Great AA :)"

"INTERESTING!

Fence = Life, work, &/or child-rearing guidlelines

My momma always told me life was like building a fence for the kids in the back yard. And that this "fence rule" applied to every situation in life!

MOST of the time, the kids would play within the fence, sometimes they would bounce up against the fence (just checking...), sometimes they would climb over the fence (just exploring...) and occassionally they would PLOW the fence right down (just onnery...)!

With a fence, kids tend to stay within their BOUNDARIES. When the fence is constantly moved (confusion reigns) or completely removed, kids run amok (so this was very interesting to see the kids converge in the middle...)

In life, we tend to stay within our boundaries WHEN we know what they are. Yes, we may check to see if the boundaries are firm or still there or push the limits as we explore or occassionally completely blow off any boundaries or limits--usually to our detriment.

We EXCEL when we know and live within our boundaries, as it is very FREEING to know we are safe within specific parameters."

"I always pay attention to what shows my son watches & what movies we watch together. It's now the norm & we do not watch any horror movies etc. Maybe it's just me....but I see it as filth & we do not need filth in our brains! Another boundary is our talk....even the word "stupid" is a bad word :) and he's almost 12! It's funny how things 'stick!'

A personal lesson learned in boundaries: healthy boundaries with family are a good thing. I was raised with 5 brothers & sisters & I had a hard time detaching myself when I got married. I thought they had a right to be in all of my business but I learned they didn't."

"One of the simplest boundaries that has been important in my life and the lives of my children is adhering to a bedtime. Proper rest cuts down on everyday stress and enables us to treat one another with more kindess.
Some of the biggest damage I've seen in life by not having good boundaries has been caused by not recognizing my worth as a human being. If you do not realize your worth, you don't set boundaries of protection for yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, soon you won't be able to care for others."

"The most effective boundaries for my children are the boundaries we have set morally and scripturally. They understand that these boundaries are for their betterment. Specifically speaking, language, behavior, health and study habits.

I can think of many disasters that could have been avoided if a boundary had been observed. There are many people who (and I include our household), if they had observed the boundary of spending less than what they make, the disastrous debt problem would be minimized at least, or non-existent.

We love your blogs, books, and other items of thought, Andy. Keep them coming!"

"Yes having boundaries is very important as it was taught to me but sometimes as adults we will get caught up in life and that we forget to observe boundaries of others and therefore violate their space. I know because I can say I have done this without realizing what I have done but I will from now on recognize other peoples boundaries."

"Since my divorce in 1992 I have always told my boys that they always need to let someone in the family know what there plans are. If we are going about our daily routines we all know where we are, but if a vacation or a get away or emergency comes up we tell each other where we will be and how long we will be gone and contact information. When we get to our destination we call and let the others know as well as when we get home again. If I fail to do this my boys are the first to jump on me because I broke my own boundary which I set in place. We have never been more connected. I even know what goes on from lots of my friends this way too. I call it wonderful to connect with loved ones."

"I wholeheartedly agree with your statements Andy. Boundaries are our guideposts in life.
There are so many aspects to our lives that we must apply boundaries to in order to be balanced. So I think what I emphasize most to my kids within the confines of moral behavior is to do all things in moderation. Enjoy life to the fullest but never to the detriment your yourself or others. When we care about our well-being respecting our inner beauty and potential, boundaries become an automatic response to protect this precious equilibrium. Then from out of this inner overflow, we respect others in the same way. We make mistakes along the way but balanced living, living with boundaries gets us back on track much quicker. I take every opportunity I have to model this to my children. Words are very important but our actions speak louder then words"

"I have grown up with this innate need to always do what is " right" I may not always share the same definition of right, but I know that when I have made a decision or taken an action that went against what I believed to be right it never turned out well and I always regretted it. I have a strong commitment to being honest, truthful and ethical. I tried to instill these values in my daughters but unfortunately my youngest daughter somehow adopted a sense of entitlement which causes her to treat people with disdain and disregard. I fear that she will be unhappy for the rest of her life because nothing she has is ever enough, no attention bestowed on her is ever enough and no one knows as much as she does about anything! Unless she can learn some humility and to treat people with honor and respect, I fear that nothing is going to go through life alone and miserable. My older daughter has tremendous compassion and humility and a definite sense of honesty and fairness. She is in a long-term, committed relationship and has a large circle of true friends and is socially very active and well liked. To me this represents the boundaries of how we treat others, how we respect others and how that influences how we are perceived and treated in return."

"One of the boundaries I learned from you..."Everything I do and everything I say makes a difference" so i try to be more purposeful and remind myself of that fact.

One thing I have always told our children is that Wischum's are leaders so they would think about that when circumstances called for leadership or they were challenged whether to follow the crowd or act appropriately. And as such that meant I had to lead also. I call it lights, camera, action 24/7."

"1. Children. That's what I deal with daily as a Middle School teacher. I don't set a lot of boundaries initially because I want my kids to learn on their own what exactly they can and can't do by trial and error. This opens the door for learning.
2. Disaster to avoid? How about the recent Cincinnati vs Xavier BBall game. The one where a fight broke out. I think it's obvious that boundaries in athletics have not become restricted, but rather expanded. Proof that sports in America have gone awry and are in need of the best leadership we can find to guide, and set boundaries, for our young people with influence."

"The book, "Boundaries:...." by Dr. Cloud, should be mandatory reading for anyone and everyone.

1) What are the most effective boundaries you observe for yourself or teach to your children?

Boundaries are not to keep people out. Instead, they are to keep us aligned and within. When I practice healthy boundaries, I am practicing giving respect to other people- especially to friends and relatives.

2) Can you think of an example of a “disaster” that could have been avoided if someone had only observed a boundary?

There are numerous instances of disasters that occured due to the inobservance of boundaries. Personally, I can see it with well-meaning relatives who try to help relatives by loaning money. This is a perfect case of an accident looking for a place to happen. When a good friend could not pay me back (for some reasons), that friendship is lost. Those friends avoid me at all cost (though I do not care about the money).

The paradox of the ages: " Good Boundaries make good relationships"

JR Felisilda
Author of the book, "Nanay: Lessons from a Mother""